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ILY Presents: How to Talk to a Robot Volume 1

Written by Justin on September 28, 2011.

Occasionally the ILY office is inundated by scams meant for milquetoast capitalists wholly motivated by the half chance some under-researched purchase will benefit their life. Though this kind of thing may fuel the lives of underprivileged, tweet-addicted weasels, it is still difficult to resist.  It’s not that we consider our enterprise more powerful than the rest, or superior to Internet spammers, it simply is far too pleasurable to participate in a conflict when our opponent doesn’t even exist.

Contact Form Submission

From: Charleroi (

Message Body: We can increase rankings of your website in search engines. Please reply back for more details.

Randy’s Reply


Thanks for your inquiry. I’ll assume you are unaware that I’m Leaving You is powered by Kung Products, which provides magician-grade sex hardware for enterprise-level deployment. What does this mean? It means that customers can search for us by the mere act of conceiving our existence. It means that our website can be seen from space. It means that the servers that power ILY are held inside the mouths of great white sharks. It means that all of our envelopes are postage-paid forever.

Frankly, if our search rankings were any better, we’d have to remove all the vowels from the site in hopes of leveling the playing field.

Charleroi, I’ll sum it all up by letting you know that we can’t be stopped. We can’t ever be stopped.

Highlights from Dan’s 3-page Reply

Ah yes, Charleroi, I’d like to add that we have recently become so powerful in search engine rankings that Google has begun delivering fresh fish daily to our office door as an act of felicitations. Granted, we moved out of that office 3 months ago and have not yet let “Places” in on that information; however, it’s still a nice gesture.

By the time you walk this into your supervisor’s immediate supervisor’s office to exclaim something along the lines of, “do you see what I have to deal with?!” or “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”, we’ll be miles down the road of miserable success, and simply too far away to ever be touched again in the places that will never matter. You will have given us 90 seconds, 120 seconds…maybe 300 seconds if you stop for burnt coffee in the break room. Those seconds will give us the power we need to convert your mind, mix your emotions, change your anger to confusion, and ultimately cause you to question why you even stood up in the first place.

It’s unclear exactly what portion of us exists because of people like you. What is clear is how powerful you serve to make us. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go make love to my wife, who’s currently making love to one of our plasma monitors. At night when we express ourselves in an intimate environment I’ll often hear her rubbing her own rump and thighs with screen shots from different Google and YouTube search results. She has printed these out in color to let me know she cares. In color, Charleroi… think about that fucking fiscal contribution for a second and understand that we do not share a joint account. It’s almost embarrassing to say, but…well…when she wants me to boon with her, sometimes she’ll yell things like, “!” or “oh D.H. Williams…” or “Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh……”

Anyway, I hope that clears things up for you. If not, I’m sure you can prank call a middle school principal or propose a nice 10-year business plan to ol’ reliable. Anything in that general realm of uselessness, I’m sure, would prove just as effective as your well-timed emails.

ps- also, I heard Derek Johnson can’t dance

The ILY Team

Contact Form Submission

From: Jaime Jacob (

Message Body: What would a huge increase in relevant traffic mean for your business? If I could greatly increase the amount of customers who are interested in your products and services, wouldn’t you be interested.

Randy’s Reply

Hi Jaime,

We’d rather defecate on our own front porch than enlist your unpunctuated voodoo in the service of our grand endeavor.

Justin’s Reply

We’ve consulted our affluent attorney that lives far out on a mountainside about your offer, and he ripped off his leisure suit and growled like a scraping cinderblock–letting it echo about the land–in response.  We took this to mean you are lower than the time you said your sad looking dog had “been sick” all over your sister’s LFO and Crazy Town albums just so she’d give them up (to your delight) in disgust. Forgive us, but we learned to detect weak and unflattering tripe back when Nixon was in office.

We’re a whole lot older and dance a whole lot better than Jesse Holden.

Dan’s Reply

I heard Jesse Holden needs a whole glass of water to swallow vitamins.

Justin’s Reply

I heard Jesse Holden tussled with Lenny Bruce at the Silver Lizard Club in Santa Monica, and lost.

Randy’s Reply

I saw Jesse Holden doing calisthenics, alone, at the County Recycling Center.

Permanently taking down Skynet,
The ILY Team

Contact Form Submission

From: Albert Collins (

Message Body: We have an attractive franchise opportunity of a respectable business. Please reply for more details.

Randy’s Reply

Please tell me more about this franchise opportunity. We have a budget of approximately 1,000,000 coconuts to spend on amateur marketing scams.

Justin’s Reply

When’s the last time you slaked the thirst of a full grown mongrel?  Never, you lack the bodily fluids. We increase in strength diurnally, and we eat 10,000 Roombas a day to do it.

Rapping about your disappearance,
The ILY Team

As you can see, we spend a fair amount of time talking to non-existents, and we feel pretty good about that.  If anyone would like advice on talking to robots, resisting insentience, or harboring hostile emotions with no outlet through which to exorcise them, send us an email; or, as always, you can press “0” to speak with the operator.

What say you?

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