The dusting has begun, and I’m Leaving You is uncomfortably offended by ungrateful evergreens. The cones are open and that yellow powder is rushing out faster than negative vibes into the awakening world which can only mean we have more things to do—grass lowering, fly defense, bodily maintenance—to exist comfortably and with only minor self disdain on the hot version of the Earth.
As with all of our I’m Leaving You tips we find it best to consume large amounts of very inexpensive alcohol prior to engaging in the activities below. For the following in particular, perhaps experiment with combinations of inexpensive alcohols that cost no more than 5 pence a bottle.
Though it comes as no surprise that I’m Leaving You is upset about piles of golden sperm choking our favorite curbs, we think it is necessary to determine the best line of defense against the ongoing insemination, and it starts with not being allergic to pollen.
Yell at the allergy and it will dissolve.
If you have allergies you need only yell at the allergy and it will dissolve in much the same way one dissolves back pain by calling out the damaged spinal disk by name, like so: “You are a white bitch disk 7!” You may also consider the following mantra “You suUck” said over and over. Ensure you lilt the middle “u” and you say it at a much higher volume than the rest of the phrase. Experiment with this technique using other phrases as well. Done in the proper way and with the right amount of sincerity one can alleviate back pain and allergies.
NOTE: Anyone who can cast a spell properly will find this an easy trick to master.
Once you’ve vanquished your pollen allergy and can roam free outside, the next step in pollen defense is cleaning off the existing pollen.
Have a visit with that local raccoon neighbor. If you are in a part of the world where raccoons are less prevalent, visit with the raccoon equivalent.
NOTE: A feral dog might work, but there are no guarantees.
Animals […] will become zombies after eating enough of those bright pink sea meatballs.
The raccoon (or its alternative) will most likely be digging in trash and stirring up all kinds of pollen in your neighborhood. Yell at the animal until it attacks you and then save yourself by offering it shrimp you have barbecued. The shrimp inhabits a bizarre limbo, in which humans both covet and respect it as a food, but regard it otherwise as an idiotic, filthy bottom-feeder. It is for this reason that humans can only eat a certain amount of shrimp. Animals have none of this understanding and, instead, will become zombies after eating enough of those bright pink sea meatballs. Since you have become the animal’s leader, charge it with tongue scraping all pollen from neighborhood mailboxes.
Once your wild prisoner has cleaned your immediate surroundings, the pollen must be stopped. Obviously the trees cannot be destroyed, but there are ways to make them think of other things and/or back the fuck off.
First, promise the forest you will buy it Applebee’s takeout. Then, after consuming a large amount of scampi yourself, fill the bag with pictures of an urban landscape. Deliver the doggie bag to the trees. When they look at you, horrified at the monstrous buildings and what they portend, you must maintain a stern look, as if you could do anything you wanted right at that moment. Try and recall the look you gave Dick Cheney at a local community college in early 2008; look at the forest that way. Then, swear constantly in skunk language while riding through the woods on a bicycle.
Quest to find the skunk alternative.
If you are in a skunkless part of the world, try and locate the local skunk alternative. This may be difficult and by now you probably should drink a little more of that bathtub gin you found dusty on the bottom of the back endcap at the liquor store. Or, if you’ve consumed all the liquor in the house, change it up with a gallon of Chablis, or very inexpensive warm champagne.
Then, quest to find the skunk alternative. You must converse heavily with all the local animal neighbors to find that certain smelly outcast in whose words you must converse with the forest. Then, and only then, will the trees know you’re for real.
If none of this works, contact your local ILY agent for further advice.*