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Surveying Some Tentative and Crapulent Futures

Written by Justin on September 11, 2011.

With this recent I’m Leaving You boon behind us, we engender a grievous future, full of sweat, drink, and wasting colossal amounts of time. These activities will be performed concurrently since the former two are always already occurring, and the latter always already results from the former, and so on until the onset of jaundice.

There are several possible futures for ILY, some of which I’ll discuss here; other, more positive possible futures I’ll leave out, because that wouldn’t be news.

Ski Season Paused Due to I’m Leaving You

Banner Elk, North Carolina – A kerfuffle ignited Friday when a comedy team named I’m Leaving You appeared at the ski lifts dressed as monstrous beings attempting to beguile hopeful patrons waiting for an inaugural slalom.  Local residents strove to exorcise the beings from the premises, but quickly found their efforts vain when Dan Bonne’, leader of the outfit, climbed into a chairlift in a gnarled bear costume and began doing the samba while shouting a “list of things that are funny,” which rudely lampooned most of the citizens, their livestock, and pets.  When police threatened violence, the beings retreated down the slopes raving obscenities before tumbling headlong toward the mountain base. Town officials say alcohol was heavily involved.

I’m Leaving You Holds Accidental Hostages

Charlotte, North Carolina – A comedy team named I’m Leaving You visited a local theatre Thursday night intending to perform, but the situation quickly turned into multiple felonies. It is common knowledge that during the beginning portion of their act, the comedy troupe bars the doors in order to make fun of anyone exiting to use the restroom.  However, the group had incorrectly labeled their calendar.  The metathetic mistake resulted in the faux imprisonment of several dozen venerable North Carolina delegates. The august attendees had hoped to receive an informative and cautionary presentation by Lou Dobbs, but instead spent several minutes flummoxed before alerting local North Carolina Bureau of Investigation agents who destroyed the facility doors and doused the group with pepper spray causing an uproarious display of spitting and jowel shaking before the young men were tackled and incarcerated immediately.

I’m Leaving You Causes Fatal Mating

Carrboro, North Carolina – A tryst of young love went awry Sunday night when a fatal mating occurred during the taping of an I’m Leaving You sketch centered on a pajama clad horse creature and the H1N1 virus. Sources tell us the creature, in a feigned state of saturnalia, stumbled across the lovers in a mess of brambles they frequented to hide their coitus from the gaze of fundamentalist parents. The incident escalated when the horse creature inadvertently crushed the ding of the unfortunate male who screamed like a soiled rat before running naked and bleeding into the moonlight and dying by a gas station ice machine. The scream alerted authorities who are currently holding the local I’m Leaving You comedy team at the county jail without bail or coffee until somebody starts talking.

As the I’m Leaving You project evolves, more evidence will mount allowing me to hone in on exactly what could cause our alcohol-laden demise. As more strange facts become available I’ll ensure all of you remain aware of what could (but probably won’t) happen. Keep up with I’m Leaving You through the regular internet avenues to stay informed.

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