Welcome to I’m Leaving You. Before you leave in disgust, let us attempt to explain ourselves. I’m Leaving You is an online comedy project. It began with sketch comedy in the Winter of 2008 and after we produced over 40 sketches, we began producing a web series in the fall of 2012. ILY incorporates aspects of absurdism, surrealism, and literary nonsense, among other lesser known things, and it’s not for everyone.
We realize that there will be a great number of people that will not understand, desire, regard, or tolerate the sort of shenanigans, malarky, and general poppycock that makes it into our scripts. It’s all our fault, don’t worry, you’re doing fine if you never laugh at any of this. We would like to apologize for the fact that unfortunately the three of us cannot be satisfied by the general stimuli that produces happiness in people. Those regular things like watching children grow, rubbing a dog’s belly, or experiencing the wonders of nature make us want to brew all the coffee in the house, don a set of sweat pants modified into shorts, and weedeat the side of I-95 from DC to New Haven, Connecticut. Additionally, our lives are perfectly acceptable, but somehow, regardless of what choices we make, a steady stench of loneliness, must, and hunger rises from the existential depths to sour us, and every passing day we smell more like a lone anteater in a parking deck. For this reason, we usually get fired on the first days of jobs because of how funny we think the orientation and training videos are just because they’re regular. People scoff at us in hotel lobbies, sit-down restaurants, rehearsal dinners, and sports bars because our laughter’s decibal level can only mean we are wrongfully making fun of and snowing every present creature, especially if it’s breathing. This behavior cannot be avoided.
Dan can’t list how many pieces of small paper on which he’s scrawled ideas for skits, erratic poems, or funny situations in the middle of something important, like a job interview. Randy, though he leads an organized and healthy life, finds himself in the grips of something terrible almost constantly, as if each eminent or noble task he completes is rewarded by the world exacting all of its nefariousness straight into his solar plexus. And Justin who lives a somewhat normal, domestic life with his wife and children, wakes up at 2am, begins to shake as the caffeine level rises, and furiously culls the rotting well of horribleness foaming at the spires of his brain into the computer.
How these three unfortunate realities coalesced to form a singular body Dan coined I’m Leaving You involves many particulars, too many to mention here. There was no time that we all sat down and decided to give an identity to what we somehow collectively felt. However, there was a point where Dan ascertained that certain demeritorious portions of this world were overdue for serious exploration and insult, most of which he made up and got real mad about for no reason. As his list of complaints grew, he tricked a team into believing they were after greatness and glory, but by “greatness” he meant opening new beers at 7am, and by “glory” he just meant humping a pile of 2x4s. With these and more grisly tasks accomplished, we embarked to share our made-up concerns.
And gosh, we’re so sorry we’ve built this as a result.
Welcome, and thank you all so much for your interest. Now, please join us as we sway to the rhythms of new sin with I’m Leaving You, a ripe pageant of lust and technology, success and sabotage, death and jazz–all staged in the dusty crawlspace of your own brain. Steel yourselves for the hot truths cradled in the mandibles of this callipygian worldview.
Dan Bonne’, Justin Edge, Randy Skidmore
The ILY Staff
I’m Leaving You Duties: King
Superpowers: Lust, Super Itch, Invincibility, Anger
Description: Dan is a handsome scoundrel, a magician of disorder, and a genuine threat to the American consciousness. He packs an exquisite lunch every day of the week for the sole pleasure of discarding it, uneaten, along the highway.
I’m Leaving You Duties: Head Writer, Producer, Actor
Superpowers: Vaunting Minutiae, Timbre, Gaining Weight
Justin is a short story and comedy writer living in Wilmington, North Carolina with his wife, daughter, and son. He accepted the offer from the I’m Leaving You comedy team in August 2009 at 95mph on an Appalachian interstate. He has been so dirty and sweaty for so long that he is soiled on the inside and finds it difficult to communicate effectively with most people. From 2008 to 2011 he co-hosted a live reading series in downtown Wilmington called “The Cure for the Common Reading.” He holds an advanced degree in English and a fine arts degree in Creative Writing from the University of North Carolina Wilmington. Along with his I’m Leaving You duties, he listens to really good music, and works perpetually on a collection of magical realism short stories entitled The Disappearance.
I’m Leaving You duties: Designer, Architect, Writer, Actor
Superpowers: Sleeplessness, Long Division, Pining, Appetite
As a direct witness to the wine-drenched parturition of I’m Leaving You, Randy faces profound difficulty in forming meaningful relationships or maintaining steady employment. However, owing to myriad unspeakable character flaws, he has exerted great efforts to shepherd ILY from its origins as a two-bit loan sharking operation to its current prominence as a Byzantine network of street vandals and telemarketers. Randy works as a web designer and writer in Carrboro, NC. He designed and built this website with his bare hands and five gallons of gin.
Why did you choose the bear (곰) to represent I’m Leaving You?
Obviously we’ve chosen the bear for its preternatural ability to eviscerate anything it chooses while simultaneously being one of the laziest things in the world. This rigid dichotomy, either sleeping or destroying, causes one to assume that, were the bear a human male, he would grunt like an insolent caveman when the person of his dreams shared reciprocal feelings.
Why can’t I understand this?
Understand that we have atypical alcohol habits, strange, unforgivable pasts, and unmovable, unfounded opinions about most of Earth’s people. The following are simply illustrations of these sad facts, and further proof that we weave our dreams out of polyester.
What do you do when you’re not working on ILY?
At any point, you can find us either together or apart performing one of the following:
• Doing 20 pullups and taking drags from a bottle of cheap shiraz after every set of five.
• Laughing uncontrollably at the neighbors’ dog that looks like the spawn of Forest Whitaker and an ottoman.
• Urinating down our legs whilst “chatting up” strangers.
• Paying our Visa bills with a Mastercard.
• Defiling toilets at lauded universities.
• Composing meals consisting of a variety of delicious, fresh ingredients, and then smothering those ingredients in 3/4 pound of cheese.
• Going to sleep with a giant slippery caterpillar.
How do you find time for all of this?
We regularly trade our sex drives for 30 minute lunch breaks.
What are your most frequent ailments?
High sleaze, freezing to death, becoming powerful, heated tripe, vagueness, being unsubstantial, waking up nude in the rain, treble sensitivity, coffee-nausea, captivating filthiness, sonic booming everything, traffic stops, getting down so hard our hair catches fire.