The dusting has begun, and I’m Leaving You is uncomfortably offended by ungrateful evergreens. The cones are open and that yellow powder is rushing out faster than negative vibes into the awakening world which can only mean we have more things to do—grass lowering, fly defense, bodily maintenance—to exist comfortably and with only minor self …Read more
JANUARY You make a lot of great resolutions. You resolve to eat organic and then find out that it’s expensive, and then you’ll think that even if chickens are called organic there may have been a point they consumed an inorganic piece of corn, grass, or pollen. Then you will buy your own chickens that …Read more
Ah, Winter: season of sunless gloom, dismal freezer of suet spheres. We gather under your gunmetal grimace, gazing skyward in frigid, awestruck impotency, and as the cold overtakes us, we bellow but one desperate inquiry into your implacable overcast: How can I winterize my modest mid-sized sedan in this economy? You answer us, dear Winter, …Read more
Occasionally the ILY office is inundated by scams meant for milquetoast capitalists wholly motivated by the half chance some under-researched purchase will benefit their life. Though this kind of thing may fuel the lives of underprivileged, tweet-addicted weasels, it is still difficult to resist. It’s not that we consider our enterprise more powerful than the …Read more
With this recent I’m Leaving You boon behind us, we engender a grievous future, full of sweat, drink, and wasting colossal amounts of time. These activities will be performed concurrently since the former two are always already occurring, and the latter always already results from the former, and so on until the onset of jaundice. …Read more
You’re here because you’ve been tricked by a person who believes your soul is a wasteland. Alternately, you may have been swindled by a street wizard or led astray by a licentious automaton. Either way, it’s far too late, friend.
